Strength

My strength comes from a quiet resistance.  It's the phrase that came to mind when I thought about how well I am coping with the chaos in my job but I really think it applies on a much larger scale.

I'm a practicing a patience where I pause when told to jump instead of asking "how high?", a patience that I don't think was always there.  It's that pause that is the quiet resistance.  It's that ability to hold back a reaction until it all has sunk in a bit further, that chance to actually think clearly about the best move forward.

It probably won't change the outcome.  My husband's still going to be clueless or avoidant (or maybe a little of both).  My employer might still terminate my employment.  But in the end I will have walked through these moments in time with integrity and feel comfortable with the decisions I made and how they shaped my future.

That really all sounds so abstract but I feel like putting words (no matter how abstract) to describe the process I was taking grounded me today.  It made me see what was well within my control so that I could focus on that.

The last nine months have really sucked!  To be hit with a divorce without warning or much of an explanation and then go to through what my employer and company is going through in today's political climate all in that short time would be enough to make me curl up in a ball in bed and never get out again.  But I chose not to and to see the growth in me happening on an hourly basis is just wild.  To watch my perspectives and processing change and mature so radically in ways that move me forward is so intriguing.