Changing my attitude

I really hit a low over the past week.  The tears that rolled down my cheeks as I walked to work on Friday seemed a culmination of the physical and mental anguish of the week.  Twice people reminded me that I just have to change my attitude and look for the joy.  And in each of those moments I felt even more alone as I realized how little people truly understood what I was going through.

If you have watched me closely over the last nine months or read this blog from start to finish, you would know how well I understand the importance of attitude and how good I have gotten at looking for the joy and working on changing my perspective and attitude.  I am a walking, living, breathing example of that philosophy.  

But I am only human.  I can only take so much before I break.  And I have reached that breaking point.  

I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me last year and then I have been repeatedly kicked (with no end in sight to that kicking) while I have been down and am still down.  I have been betrayed by my ex-husband, my fellow citizens, my government, and my employer.  And I feel a sense of betrayal with my closest friend who cancels more than she shows up and has been essentially missing-in-action from any of the support I could really use.

The uncertainty of my job just triggers the abandonment I feel from my ex-husband as I face this world alone.  And that just brings back up the very cruel way he discarded me as if I were trash.

So when I hit my lowest moment I don't need to be reminded to change my attitude.  I'm exhausted from changing my attitude.  I just want someone to hold me while I cry and for people to consistently show up for me.  Regular phone calls from my very supportive parents have been a God send but I really need more than just their support.