Contradictions

 I ended a Facebook post with the following questions:

"How can there be so much joy and horror in the same world? How can my tears and laughter occupy the same space?"

There's the high of the retreat, the confidence I'm gaining in Improve class, the woman from church who reached out to invite me to wine and cheese, the energy of a church choir practice, the man who I pass daily in the park who introduced himself as Johnny, and so much more positive in my life.

And then there is the uncertainty of my job.  The cuts running through my ex-husband's agency this week which I expect directly affect him (although not his employment status) which make my heart feel very heavy.  The very real pain and grief I still feel from the way I was discarded by that same ex-husband.  And the broader way, this administration is making decisions with very real negative consequences for so many people.

Some days I don't know how to make sense of such contradictions.  I'm amazed and confused at my capacity to move through such extreme emotions almost simultaneously.  

And it goes beyond just emotions to thoughts.  How can I miss my ex-husband so much and feel such loss yet recognize the incredible good that has come from the divorce?

Life is so complex.  Don't listen to the people who try to explain things in black and white terms.