I went for a walk at my local park, sat on my therapy bench, and did two loops around the park. And on my way back to my apartment, I walked into our main building to check my mail as I had seen the mail truck leaving earlier. And there he was heading in to talk to someone in our leasing office. He had a smile for me and said "hi". It just felt weird. I muttered "hi" back and continued on my way.
I think back to our last three interactions.
September 29 - We spent much of the day cleaning out the apartment. I remember sitting on the floor of our marital bathroom with tears flowing down my cheeks as I sorted all our toiletries and bathroom stuff, making piles for mine, his, and garbage. (I wrote a poem about this moment - see my October 1 post.) Honestly, I felt a lot of resentment in the moment. I was having to move out because of him so I didn't understand why he wasn't taking over as much of the sorting and cleaning as he could. But I wasn't willing to speak up because I wanted to show I was taking the higher road. And he kept offering me things I couldn't take. I remember that by the last 4 or 5 loads of stuff I carted out of there, I no longer had any idea where I was going to put the stuff. He was moving into a one bedroom apartment. I was moving into a 500 square foot studio. He just didn't get it. And then there was an awkward goodbye, tears, and a hug as I handed him my keys.
October 26 - The divorce was signed on October 21 and so this was our meeting to divide the last of our assets. We sat in a conference room at our apartment complex across the table from each other. I knew it would be emotional for me so I had spent the morning walking including experiencing the labyrinth downtown. He handed me a two page typed list of what he thought we needed to do, although there were several things on that list he had not bothered to figure out. He was completely emotionless. I felt like I was a taxpayer being examined for audit. I let him lead but chimed in on a few things that really mattered to me. I asked him if he thought this had all happened so fast to give him whiplash. He paused and said "no". I didn't respond any further. I was done explaining myself and how horribly he had treated me.
November 6 - I remember being irritated that he was trying to push for times and days to do this that didn't work well for me. The day I finally gave in on was still not ideal but I made it work. I met him at the bank because they needed me present to sign off on the savings joint savings account he was going to take over. And then we walked to the Department of Revenue at the courthouse to sign over our titles to each other and apply for new titles. I had already changed my name on my driver's license but the name change caused some problems with the title application so it took a little extra time. I remember muttering that this is what I have been dealing with for my name change. He disappeared somewhere in the courthouse after we were done so he didn't have to walk out the door with me. Again, he was completely emotionless.
So although I've seen glimpses of him (we live in the same apartment building), I guess it has been 3.5 months since we have come face to face. I don't know how he is doing. I don't know why he would have such an easy smile for me. Is it possible he could be that oblivious to the damage he caused and the time it would take me to heal? Or is he just trying to pretend everything is normal because that is what he has always done?
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