Dissonance

The space between sadness and joy, between empathy and anger, between stillness and chaos, between understanding and confusion, between tears and laughter, etc. seems so great these days while at the same time occupying the same moments.  It creates such a dissonance that's hard to reconcile.  

I just got back from a church retreat.  On the first night, the first time they played the weekend's theme song, tears rolled down my face which I tried to discretely wipe away as I stood in a crowded room of people.  The message spoke directly into my soul about the newness created within me every day.

I boldly stepped onto the stage in front of a crowd of 100+ people and sang the song Stand (Rascal Flatts) karaoke the second night.  The cheers, the clapping, the spotlight on me threatened to overwhelm me and propelled me forward all at the same time.  Such a surreal experience it was and watching back a video someone took of me, it's hard to even see myself in it.  A year ago, if I had attended this same retreat, I would have sat at the edge of the room, invisible, ready to escape to bed when I had had enough.  I definitely wouldn't have gotten up on stage.

I talked to so many wonderful people, one of which I especially connected with.  I mostly sat at tables where I felt included and welcome.  Only once did I find myself at a table that overwhelmed me and made me feel invisible.

And let me tell you about the swinging bridge!  Yesterday afternoon, I went for about an hour and a half hike by myself.  I started out while everyone else was playing games so had the trails completely to myself.  It was only as I was leaving that I saw other people starting to trickle that way.  I came upon a swinging bridge across a muddy, fast moving river.  I have also had a fear of heights and especially swinging bridges which don't feel stable at all.

I hesitated on the near side of the river and then I stepped up onto the bridge.  I made my way to the center and paused to let the bridge stop swaying from the movement of my walk.  I gazed down the river as I contemplated my next move.  Something inside of me told me I needed to sit with this bridge a bit so I lowered myself and sat on the bridge with my legs dangling over.  The wind picked up at that moment and started to sway the bridge.  I swallowed my fear and stayed with the moment.  

After some time had passed, I got up and continued across the river.  At the other end was a ladder to get down to the bank which made me hesitate only a moment.  I then continued along muddy, slippery trails to find a secluded waterfall before eventually making me way back to that same swinging bridge to cross back over.

I'm back from the retreat now sitting in my favorite (well only) chair looking out at the life around my apartment.  As I reflect on the weekend, I feel different.  I'm not sure I even yet understand the full impact of the discussions I took part in and the connections I made.  At one point, we discussed the stages of a faith journey - Order, Disorder, and Re-order.  It seemed so relevant to my life beyond just my religious beliefs and faith.  I feel like my entire life was disordered over the past year.  I'm trying to make sense of it all, to unravel beliefs (about myself, about relationships, about God) that may need unraveling.  I'm trying to find me in the midst of chaos.

I've done a quick scan of the news and federal worker threads.  The mass illegal terminations of probationary federal employees that started last week continued over the weekend.  My ex-husband's agency is rumored to be one of the next.  I haven't seen my agency yet on the list but when I read that it made it to air traffic controllers, I will admit I lost any remaining sliver of hope that my agency will come out unscathed.  

I didn't have consistent access to the internet at the retreat so only had a chance to check once or twice but this dark cloud was hanging over me, over all of us at the retreat.  We will all feel the consequences in some way.

I will admit that I felt a bit nervous pulling my Tesla into the parking lot at the camp.  There's too much black and white thinking in our society right now.  I felt some relief when I saw at least one other.  And ironically, I discovered this morning that the driver of the other is the woman I connected most with all weekend.  As the retreat was ending we briefly talked about the dissonance we feel over our car ownership.

This whole political climate just adds another layer of chaos on top of what I am already experiencing.  It all feels so personal even though my rational mind knows none of it is personal - there's another example of that dissonance.