I typed up a draft post yesterday but didn't publish because it was too whiny and too focused on my husband. I don't want this blog to turn into a space to just complain about my soon-to-be ex. So let me try again.
This weekend has been so incredibly hard. I have felt so alone. And every step I take towards what I need to do makes the loss feel more and more real. I feel so many emotions (anger, betrayal, loss, fear, sadness, confusion, etc.) that I don't even fully comprehend what my heart is breaking most over. Tears flow down my cheeks as I type this.
I have made some good progress this weekend though. I'm working on getting the second bedroom all set up for me and was able to sleep there last night. It felt so unfamiliar. I still have some more things I want to transfer and maybe hang a few things on the walls that bring me comfort.
I had intended to transfer the stuff I was removing to make space for my things all to the closet in our marital bedroom but I just don't have the energy to organize it to fit and why should I be the one to do that? So it all is just piled around the bed in that room. He can deal with it when he gets home. I don't know that he will be expecting me to have done all this so it probably will come as a shock to him. But maybe that's good.
I also started downloading financial statements and putting together my own financial spreadsheet. I came across two of my accounts that have his phone number for the multi-factor identification code. I knew about one of them because he had tried to fix it a few weeks ago unsuccessfully but I didn't know the same thing was true about another. I have to figure out how to change those.
My mind was ruminating too much on the past couple conversations I have had with him last week and how often he brought up how fair he will be and how he wants me to know he will be fair. It just feels like manipulation when he tries to convince me he will be fair after having not treated me fairly in the relationship. So I sent him a text last night telling him that there is nothing fair about how he has treated me or how I will fair when the dust settles. He didn't respond to the text although I wasn't really expecting a response. He has gotten very cold and distant in the last conversations.
I am the one that will have to move out into a MUCH smaller apartment. I am the one who will then have to go through the address change process with everything. I am the one who will have to decide whether or not to change my name and then go through the hassle of making the change, if that is what I decide. I am the one that will be at a financial disadvantage when this is over because of how much more he makes than I do. It will push back my retirement date. I am the one that will have to explain to my church why I won't be able to make my pledge this year. I am the one who will be on the cruise ship where we were married near what would have been our 20th anniversary. This ship was his idea and we had even booked the same suite from our honeymoon. I will change cabins but the rest of my family is committed to this ship and itinerary so changing ships is not reasonable.
But I need to move past it not being fair. I know life isn't fair. It just doesn't help when your soon-to-be ex keeps trying to convince you it is fair.
On the plus side, I am strong. I don't feel it right now but I know that I am. I am secure in who I am (even with all the insecurities that come from being rejected) and know that my happiness comes from within not from another person. I try to keep reminding myself of this. With time and healing, I will be in a good place. I will have the skills to make a great life for myself. I don't think the same is true for him.
Maybe that's the better tradeoff. He probably won't feel too many significant long-term financial consequences from the divorce but he likely will face significant challenges when it comes to relationships, happiness, and emotions. I'll suffer financially but be a stronger person when it comes to relationships, happiness, and emotions.
I wish we still lived in the midwest. I had a therapist that I worked with for many years who was so good. I really feel like she got me and knew how to challenge me when I needed it and support me when I needed it. If we were there, I would have already called her and scheduled an appointment. But that isn't an option here so this morning I finally signed up for an online therapist. I have my first appointment Monday morning.
It's a male therapist. I don't yet know how I feel about that. I looked through a couple platforms (including one through my insurer) but none were giving me a lot of options for therapists and none really spoke to me so I picked the first available. I'm going through Brightside Health. They don't list my insurer so I'm paying out of pocket but $299 per month ($244 with a discount code for this first month) for four 45 minute video sessions a month plus unlimited texting seemed like a fair price.
I should pour myself another cup of coffee and maybe eat a little something. I really like the yogurt I recently picked up so maybe that would be a good choice. And then I need to stretch my back which really hurts from the work yesterday. I should also find a reason to go out somewhere today even if it is just grocery shopping, just to get out of this apartment. I can do this. I can get through one more day of this weekend alone.
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