I started my morning with my first online therapy session. I didn't know what to expect. My therapist is a male in later stages of his life. I didn't know if he could relate to me. Or if he could understand things from a woman's point of view. After just one session, I still don't truly have those answers but I can tell you about how I felt after talking with him.
First, he didn't spend any time on the blame game. He asked me what reasons my husband had given me and when I told him, he said that sounded like BS. I laughed because that was exactly my reaction too. (With some serious self-reflection, I'm starting to see more clarity but it doesn't boil down to the reasons my husband has verbally giving me.) But back to the blame game, I'm done with the blame game. It doesn't matter. It won't change the end results. And it isn't what I need right now. I need to heal my heart.
Second, he communicated support. I feel like he is on my side. I feel like he is a cheerleader for me. And he had confidence in me. He didn't see me in such a low place that I would need any more than 4 or 5 sessions. He saw strength in me.
What is yet to be seen is whether he will challenge me. That is what made my last therapist (back in the midwest) so good. She knew how to push back in a way that was non-judgmental and made me honestly pause at times. But maybe it's okay if he doesn't. Grieving the loss of this relationship is very different from the things I worked on with my last therapist.
So I walked away from the session feeling ready to face the day. I had taken two hours leave that morning so arrived at work a bit later than normal, which meant a bit more relaxed start to the day.
Late morning, I made a call to an attorney. I normally hate talking on the phone (especially cold-calling) but I felt okay making this call. I don't know what that means. It was a short call. She came across as a bit abrupt and right down to business but she didn't come across unfriendly. She recommended coming in for a consultation and so I am scheduled to come to her office tomorrow. I hesitated when she said, "how about tomorrow afternoon?" I kind of hoped she wouldn't have availability for a few days because this process is just going way too fast but I took the appointment anyway.
And then I actually ate my entire lunch today (a salad with chicken) and didn't feel nauseous. And I came home and re-heated leftovers because I was actually hungry and ate the entire serving.
Maybe I can do this and come out of it a better person. I won't pretend I turned some corner today. I know there is a long road ahead of me. But I will sit in this strength for a moment.
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