My initial feelings of abandonment

When he first asked for a divorce in the summer of 2024, what I felt most initially was abandoned.  I'm coming back to understand that feeling now because reading 1984 helped me understand how much the gaslighting and manipulating of my memory felt like the biggest betrayal and I think that explains a bit my feelings of abandonment.  

In early 2024, I interviewed for a promotion in my office, wanting to get paid for the job I had already been doing (on top of my current job) since 2022 and continue to do even up to today.  After going through the lengthy application process and sitting through a panel interview, I was told they would not be filling the position.  The vague reasons given when I and my colleague asked were something about not having the funding in our office's budget.  This position was funded from a special outside funding source which despite those comments about our office's budget situation, we were assured still did exist.  If the special funding unique to this position did still exist, why would it matter what our office's budget looks like?  The lack of straight answers that didn't add up really felt like gaslighting.

Then that summer of 2024, there was a huge pit in my stomach about the ongoing presidential campaigns.  Even before Election Day, I was pretty sure I knew what the results would be.  And although I couldn't have predicted what has happened so far (and what may happen next), I knew it would bring uncertainty to both of our jobs and a lot of distortions and gaslighting from high up officials.

So at work I was being gaslit.  I feared the gaslighting that would soon be a part of our country's daily life.  And at home that summer, the illusion I had built was fracturing as I realized how much my now ex-husband was gaslighting me.  The last space that I had hoped would be my safe haven disappeared before my very eyes overnight.  His decision to run away coincided with probably the one time period in my adult life when I most needed that safe space at home.  No wonder I felt abandoned.

And then I think it was all made even worse when it felt like the one local friend I had who I thought was a really close friend also abandoned me as she ignored my texts, repeatedly cancelled plans on me, and was a bit dismissive in the conversations we did have.

Fast forward to today - I've created that safe space in myself and in my small home.  I've built a community of friends and family with deeper connections to be another safe space.  I've got a happy hour with three of them after work today that I'm looking forward to immensely.  And although the job situation hasn't changed yet, I've taken concrete steps to start looking for a better work environment.  

In doing all that, I haven't erased the feelings of being abandoned by my ex-husband but I have countered its impact on me and hopefully created more stability for myself in the future.  And I've learned a lot about myself and what I need from future relationships.