A text message

I'm scrolling through Instagram, laughing at some hilarious reels after I had a short conversation with my parents who safely made it through a long, snowy day driving through Mississippi, when a text message notification crosses my screen.  It's from that friend who has been missing in action.  It says something about how she saw my post about my ex and asks if I want to talk.

I don't like how I feel and how a notification like that affects me so instead of clicking on it and replying right away, I opened up my blog.

No, I don't want to talk to her about him.  She's about a year and a half too late to start being concerned about me.  Her inconsistency and the way she has dropped the ball at so many key moments have done more to play with my emotions than be any sort of support.  That inconsistency is so hard.  To show up every few months and half follow through keeps me stuck in this cycle.  Now that I have so much more clarity, I think that cycle reminds me too much of the cycle with my ex-husband.  

And this contact seems to be reactive instead of proactive.  This is actually the first time she has offered to talk.  In my post, I expressed so much appreciation for the people who have been there for me.  Here is part of what I wrote which although I meant it to be appreciation for those who did step up, I can imagine it might remind her of the ways she wasn't there for me.

As I struggle to process it all, I am just thankful for the friends and family that have been just a text or phone call away. My parents have accepted a few extra phone calls from me. My sister talked to me for over an hour yesterday and then carried on a text conversation with me as I cleaned up the mess today (it was so nice to have her virtually with me). And colleagues and friends have sat with me both in person and by text this week. 

Often over the last year and a half what I have needed most is to have people who care about me witness the pain I am experiencing as I pick up the pieces of my life.

And there is a part of me that no longer trusts her.  I don't know her well enough to know whether or not she is passing information about me to him.  I had a moment yesterday where in hindsight I wished I had adjusted the audience of the post to not include her and her husband but I figured by then they had already seen it and it was too late.  I think they are my only Facebook connections to him.  I've wondered more than once if unfriending them (or at least the husband) would make Facebook and Instagram stop recommending her profile to me - something that seems to happen about every other time I open the apps.

I don't know what I even want to do with this friendship anymore.  I don't know how to talk to her about how her actions have affected me.  And I definitely don't feel in the right mindset to try and navigate that tonight.

I don't know if I'm avoiding or if I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything, I need and want with regard to this relationship.

I don't know how I will respond.  I'm going to get ready for bed and hopefully come up with a simple response to send before I sleep.  I don't want to talk to her tonight though.  I know that.