I had dinner with that friend who I have felt has been missing in action. My goal was to go into this meal without assumptions but hoping to find a way to advocate for myself and understand what may have happened.
I don't even know how to describe the conversation I had with her, it was such a foreign experience. She listened. She apologized. She took accountability. That is what she did first. Eventually she also explained her own circumstances and limitations but I felt heard first and so these didn't feel like excuses. She has had a rough year and a half herself, some of which I knew, some of which I didn't fully know.
She knew very little about my ex-husband and his fiancée. She thought she had only seen him once since the divorce and had not met her nor has any plans to. I didn't get the impression that her husband was all that in touch with them although he had met her once or maybe twice in the summer. One of my worries that they had taken sides seems to be quite unfounded.
But back to how the conversation went, I didn't need to over-explain. I didn't need to anticipate the complaints she would bring up against me to try and change the subject. I didn't leave the conversation with unresolved feelings that would be contradicted later with love-bombing. Maybe I wasn't so much to blame for our inability to resolve any conflict in my marriage. Maybe I had the skills in me all along and just didn't have a partner willing to meet me half-way (or even a third of the way).
I'm not saying I said everything perfectly. But I think I demonstrated that I am capable of being direct and kind and advocating for my needs. And I'm really glad I didn't hold onto any assumptions very tightly.
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