Being the first day back from an amazing trip, I was on a high before I opened her profile, not unlike the high I felt coming off of my family cruise last summer (the one that was supposed to be our anniversary cruise). In both cases, I came home immediately to news related to this woman. Last time it was seeing her on his patio along with the Facebook post asking about any red flags. This time it was the engagement.
The timing in both cases feels cruel although maybe it was also the moment I was best able to handle the news. There I am looking for the silver lining even in my lowest moments.
A wave of emotions has run through me, some I understand, some I don't. Physically, my body has felt a rush of tension, in my head, a tightening of my throat, a racing heartbeat, a pit in my stomach.
Rationally, my mind sees more red flags than I can even keep straight in my head. She can't really know him at all. After only seven or so months, I'm sure he is still performing. Honestly, she might be too. Anyone in their forties with children still at home who would rush into a relationship this fast likely has plenty of her own issues. I may not know exactly how their story will end but I know a story that starts this way rarely ends well. And I'm confident he has not done the work to not repeat the same patterns he repeated with me.
And for him to be willing to marry a woman with children who is this vocally political goes against everything he demonstrated to me that he didn't want.
But it's not my rational mind that is stopping me today. It's this deep pit in my stomach, this numbness. I tried to explain it to my colleague at work. I tried to explain it to my therapist. But I'm not sure I really understand it.
My body rushed with overwhelming feelings when I talked about grieving the healthy relationship I thought we would have. I don't miss him. I'm not jealous of her or him for that matter. I miss the belief that I had someone who had my back and was connected with me, even if that belief sat on a crumbling foundation.
And then after I ended my therapy session, something my colleague had said to me earlier settled in me a bit more. My colleague said that this probably wouldn't have hit me as hard if I had already moved to Atlanta. He is moving on (whether that is a good or bad decision) while I sit stuck in limbo with the future I want to move on to.
It goes all the way back to August when I made that trip to Atlanta to explore a neighborhood and apartment complexes after the initial posting. It was mid-December that I was told they had gotten approval to post another position after the first of the year. It is now January 22 and that posting still hasn't posted. I feel so stuck. My patience is wearing thin.
I don't say this to dismiss the important work I have done over the last year and a half that I know will set me up for a bright future, far better than my ex jumping into a new relationship will. But the next step in that process still feels so far away.
To add to that, I'm sad my friend hasn't (at least yet) had the consideration to warn me that he has gotten engaged. This is the friend who has really disappointed me so much over the last year and half. She was the one local friend when it all fell apart that I thought would be there for me but then wasn't. Her husband began following my ex's fiancee on Facebook at some point in the last few days so I'm sure they both know about the engagement. I shouldn't be surprised but I'm still a little hurt.
So I'm still grieving the relationship I had hoped we would have in my marriage. I'm grieving the loss of a friend who I thought would be there. I'm frustrated that he seems to get to move ahead in what seems like consequence free while I feel stuck. I'm unsettled. And I feel like his ability to move forward so quickly speaks to how little he actually cared about me which really stings, even if it isn't surprising.
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