It's been almost 4 months...

It's been almost four months since moving out and cleaning out our apartment, almost four months since our last attempt at a conversation about what happened, almost four months since he told me he "would add it to (his) list" when I asked him if he had discussed with his therapist why he had done this.   

Has he gone on any sort of self-reflection and healing journey like I have or has he just buried it deep hoping it won't resurface like he is so good at doing?  Does he still blame me for it all or does he recognize how his childhood trauma affected how he showed up in the relationship and how he viewed it?

Sometimes I imagine the conversation I would like to have.  It's interesting though how that conversation in my head is constantly changing and never goes how I want it to go.  Part of me wants to find better closure and hear the ways he has gained clarity since we separated.  But the other part of me recognizes that is very unlikely to happen.  So my brain is creating this conversation I want to have and at the same time showing me how unproductive the conversation would be.  Does that make any sense?

As things were ending last year, I was a bit blown away by the things he was finally verbalizing, things that were so distorted from the reality I knew.  And as I gain more time and space away from him, I am realizing that there are pieces of his distortions that he had actually convinced me were true despite the fact that they weren't accurate or were taken so far out of context.

The more I reflect and the more I find writings from my earlier years, I realize how much of our marriage was based on distortions.  Those kind of huge distortions don't get untangled easily even if he were willing and open to questioning them.  We are talking about decades (maybe his entire lifetime) of him not being honest with himself.  With that kind of self-deception, it's no wonder he couldn't be honest with me.

I still kind of wish we could have that conversation even if it doesn't go the way I want it to.  Maybe it would all feel a little less abrupt.  I think that is what I struggle most with these days - how abruptly it all ended - how abruptly we went from a couple who I thought both loved each other to essentially strangers.