I'm stuck. I have spent six months trying to process what you did and I can't make sense of it. I've tried to piece together the few clues you left. I've heard the few words you spoke repeated over and over in my head.
You know how I used to get so frustrated when you would just tell me pieces of a story or your thought process on something expecting that I could read your mind to fill in the rest and it was like pulling teeth to get enough out of you to understand what you were trying to tell me? It's that times a thousand except it isn't some small story at stake. It's my understanding of our entire two decades relationship and my ability to ever trust again that is at stake and you aren't here to pull out the rest of those details.
You walked away without any sincere communication attempt. You made the decision to leave without ever telling me there were problems. You made no attempts at repair at any point. You just silently let resentment build up. Did you think it would get better if you just buried it? Or did you think you didn't deserve better? Or that our marriage didn't deserve better?
You blamed me for things you never bothered to tell me until it was too late. You blamed me for things that you actually did. You re-wrote history to minimize the good and make the bad look worse. You discarded me as if I were worthless trash. Do you know what kind of trauma I am going through to be on the receiving end of that? It wasn't a normal breakup which would have been hard as it was - it was a discard as if what we had was meaningless. My brain can't comprehend that to be able to process it.
And then you buried all your emotions and were so cold to me as if I were less than a stranger you met on the street. That coldness in our last interactions only made the confusion and chaos in my mind worse as we so abruptly went from a married couple I thought was happy to less than strangers.
So I'm stuck here. The tears still roll down my face. I don't understand how you could do what you did to a fellow human being let alone a wife you claimed to love for two decades. I can't even imagine how miserable of a person you must be to be able to do discard me like you did.
And so my heart continues to break. The pain won't go away. I take steps towards healing and then fall right back to the raw pain. And at the same time I feel so sad for you. Sometimes I think this would be easier if I just felt anger at you but I don't. I just imagine the internal struggles you must be facing to do what you did.
You had a wife who loved you with all her heart, was loyal to you, was consistent, accepted you as you were, saw so much value in you, and was willing to walk through any challenges with you. Why would you discard that without even an attempt at trying to fix what you thought was wrong?
How do I ever learn to trust again?
Sincerely,
Your Ex-wife whose heart you shattered when you tossed her in the trash
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