Spilled wine

I tripped carrying my wine glass to my chair this evening.  In horror, I watched my favorite wine glass fall to the floor shattering and splattering red wine over the beautiful furniture my Dad had made, the contents of my bookshelf, and even the corner of my Grandma's quilt.  Pink and white glass mixed with the red wine sprawled across the floor.  I took a deep breath, let a few tears fall, started to clean up the damage, and then sent a quick text to my sister.  

Over the next few minutes I went back and forth between my text messages and the damage, cleaning and communicating.  It was so nice to not only let my feelings flow but also have someone virtually with me as I cleaned up.

Now I sit cornered in my chair with the floors all around me freshly swept and mopped, smelling like Fabuloso.  And I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for me and my capacity to fully exist in this moment.  And I'm thankful for my sister who from hundreds of miles away witnessed my emotions and virtually stood with me.

Am I confusing emotions?

I think I mistake some of my emotions.  I just realized right now after receiving a text from a friend that I am more likely to cry at the support I receive during my hard times than I am about the hard times themselves.  Maybe my grief emotions are amplified by an overwhelming feeling from people actually showing up for me.  How many of my strong emotional reactions are really a mix of good and bad all in one?

Today's accomplishments

All of my new socks are clean and I’m wearing the butterfly ones.  I bought myself a beautiful bouquet of flowers (with my favorite colors and some daisies, my favorite flower) and a bottle of wine with a gorgeous red dress on the label (yes, labels do matter!).  And I have the ingredients to make a tasty turkey meatloaf later today.  (Knowing how unmotivated I am to ever cook, I kept it easy with ready prepared ingredients except the onion I have to cut.)  Next I plan to do some more work on my travel blog but honestly, if I accomplish nothing else, I did okay today.  Cheers!

This morning

Last night I talked to my sister for over an hour!  We exchange texts fairly frequently but rarely talk on the phone.  Something in my texts to her last night encouraged her to recommend a call and I'm so glad she did.  I then slept really well.  There was a point around 4:30 a.m. where I laid awake for a while but eventually I fell back asleep and didn't wake again until after 7:30!  I don't remember the last time I slept that late!

This morning, I took the time to make French press coffee.  I've got a second pot started.  And in one tab of my browser, I have open my travel blog that I keep switching to and adding words to the photos I uploaded yesterday.  In another tab, I have open Facebook where I posted this morning in the 40+ divorced women's group and have a flurry of comments of support coming in.  Plus, I'm enjoying listening to the comforting, familiar sounds of the trains passing by.

One commenter in that Facebook group wrote something that really stuck with me.  She wrote, "It is hard to feel erased and insignificant. But we aren't. We showed up, we loved fully."  During our marriage he tried to erase me and make me smaller and in so many ways I let him.  Maybe this feels like one last attempt to erase me and make me feel insignificant except now I'm not accepting that erasure.  I'm not letting one person have that kind of control over me.  But old patterns die hard, it takes time to re-write two decades worth of patterns, so the pull is still there.

This quiet, empty night

I made cold brew so it would be ready for the morning.  I started a new audiobook.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I unloaded the dishwasher I had run the night before my trip.  I put away my Christmas decorations and trimmed my Christmas cactus.  I finished unpacking and stored my suitcase.  And I'm on my second load of laundry. 

And now I'm sitting in my comfy chair with soothing piano music now playing, waiting for photos to upload to my travel blog so I can make some progress on the posts for this last trip.  And there is this pit in my stomach while my heart rate seems to be a bit faster than normal.

I'm re-reading the text from my friend from a couple of hours ago and replaying the short telephone conversation that followed.  Her text started with "I'm sorry I've been MIA."  No shit has she been missing in action for the last year and a half!  Sometimes I wonder if the superficial relationship that is left just painfully reminds me of the loss of the close friendship I thought we had.  Although I truly wonder if it has always been unbalanced.

She then went on to say she is struggling with some current events and asked if I had five minutes to talk.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  I wondered if she would use this as a chance to give me a heads up that he had gotten engaged and see how I was doing although I didn't have much hope of that.  That's just not the reality of the relationship we actually have.

She politely asked about my trip before she jumped into her questions hoping I had some inside knowledge on something someone had told her.  The kids could be heard in the background.  The call ended with vague promises of getting together soon (promises she has made so many times) and then her saying something about needing to deal with the kids.

I put the phone down after she hung up feeling let down once again.  I wondered if I should have said something more.  I wondered why I kept accepting her contact every few months.  And then I turned to laundry and the next tasks.

And now I sit here questioning my earlier bravado that I would be able to turn my focus all on me this weekend in this empty apartment especially as my body tells me my emotions are heightened and the piano music seems to be doing little to soothe me.

Time to get back to me

It’s been about 24 hours.  I’m not willing to let him take any more of my energy than that.  He’s just not worth it.

I’ve vented to friends.  I’ve talked through it with my therapist.  I’ve blogged about it.  I’ve sat in silence with it.  I’ve even shed a few tears over it.

And the more I turn it around in my head, the more I realize how lucky I am to be away from him and how beautifully I’ve poured into myself and built something so much better in his absence.  On paper, he may seem like he is moving ahead and leaving me behind but without doing the work like I have done, his movement forward is only temporary, only a temporary high before it all catches up with him again.  I know the work I’m doing will result in lasting progress.  My timeline needs to be my own because that is the only way for me to continue to step into the woman I want to be and the life I was meant to have.

So I’m done wasting energy on him.  This weekend is about me.  I think I’ll start a puzzle, listen to my playlist, find a new book to read or listen to, work on my travel blog, maybe do a little travel planning, and spend some quiet moments savoring a pot of tea.  Although first, I need to finish my unpacking, do a little laundry, and clean my apartment so my space feels fresh and comfortable.

I’ve proven over and over again that I can do this.  I can learn from and make something beautiful out of even the most challenging moments.

I know the sun will return but it feels really dark right now

I put a butterfly in my hair this morning as tears rolled down my face.  My mustard yellow sweater matched the monarch one.  It was a small intentional act on a morning that feels so dark.

I know the day will not stay dark.  The sun always comes out, even if sometimes it is a bit dimmed by the clouds.  I've spent the last year and a half building, growing, and truly living.  I can point to so much evidence of how much better off I am and I know that even more is to come.

But right now, the pain is sharp.  I'm angry at myself for investing so much into such an imbalanced relationship with someone who was so self-focused at the expense of the marriage they committed to.  I'm angry at him for all the lies, manipulations, and confusion.  I'm angry that I chose someone with so little integrity and empathy that he could end a relationship the way he did and then move on so quickly.  And I'm frustrated at how long it is taking to pick up the emotional pieces from the damage he caused.

So I'm going to take this extra moment with my coffee this morning with the butterfly in my hair.  And I'm going to remind myself of the community I have built which is supporting me and will help me get through this.  Last night, I had a good session with my therapist.  Then I called my parents.  And then as I unpacked and admired all the souvenirs from my trip (mostly cool socks), I texted back and forth with a woman that has become a really good friend.  

And I know there are people when I get into the office today who will check in on me.  Maybe I'll even reach out to my Wisconsin friend.  I always enjoy hearing from her.

Moving on

Over my lunch hour, I was scrolling my Facebook feed when the profile of the woman my ex is now dating was recommended to me.  My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on it.  Her status has been changed to "engaged" with a post indicating she got engaged on January 20.

Being the first day back from an amazing trip, I was on a high before I opened her profile, not unlike the high I felt coming off of my family cruise last summer (the one that was supposed to be our anniversary cruise).  In both cases, I came home immediately to news related to this woman.  Last time it was seeing her on his patio along with the Facebook post asking about any red flags.  This time it was the engagement.

The timing in both cases feels cruel although maybe it was also the moment I was best able to handle the news.  There I am looking for the silver lining even in my lowest moments.

A wave of emotions has run through me, some I understand, some I don't.  Physically, my body has felt a rush of tension, in my head, a tightening of my throat, a racing heartbeat, a pit in my stomach.

Rationally, my mind sees more red flags than I can even keep straight in my head.  She can't really know him at all.  After only seven or so months, I'm sure he is still performing.  Honestly, she might be too.  Anyone in their forties with children still at home who would rush into a relationship this fast likely has plenty of her own issues.  I may not know exactly how their story will end but I know a story that starts this way rarely ends well.  And I'm confident he has not done the work to not repeat the same patterns he repeated with me.

And for him to be willing to marry a woman with children who is this vocally political goes against everything he demonstrated to me that he didn't want.

But it's not my rational mind that is stopping me today.  It's this deep pit in my stomach, this numbness.  I tried to explain it to my colleague at work.  I tried to explain it to my therapist.  But I'm not sure I really understand it.

My body rushed with overwhelming feelings when I talked about grieving the healthy relationship I thought we would have.  I don't miss him.  I'm not jealous of her or him for that matter. I miss the belief that I had someone who had my back and was connected with me, even if that belief sat on a crumbling foundation.

And then after I ended my therapy session, something my colleague had said to me earlier settled in me a bit more.   My colleague said that this probably wouldn't have hit me as hard if I had already moved to Atlanta.  He is moving on (whether that is a good or bad decision) while I sit stuck in limbo with the future I want to move on to.   

It goes all the way back to August when I made that trip to Atlanta to explore a neighborhood and apartment complexes after the initial posting.  It was mid-December that I was told they had gotten approval to post another position after the first of the year.  It is now January 22 and that posting still hasn't posted.  I feel so stuck. My patience is wearing thin.

I don't say this to dismiss the important work I have done over the last year and a half that I know will set me up for a bright future, far better than my ex jumping into a new relationship will.  But the next step in that process still feels so far away.  

To add to that, I'm sad my friend hasn't (at least yet) had the consideration to warn me that he has gotten engaged.  This is the friend who has really disappointed me so much over the last year and half.  She was the one local friend when it all fell apart that I thought would be there for me but then wasn't.  Her husband began following my ex's fiancee on Facebook at some point in the last few days so I'm sure they both know about the engagement.  I shouldn't be surprised but I'm still a little hurt.

So I'm still grieving the relationship I had hoped we would have in my marriage.  I'm grieving the loss of a friend who I thought would be there.  I'm frustrated that he seems to get to move ahead in what seems like consequence free while I feel stuck.  I'm unsettled.  And I feel like his ability to move forward so quickly speaks to how little he actually cared about me which really stings, even if it isn't surprising. 

What I learned on a hike into the canyon

This morning I hiked into Bryce Canyon just before sunrise.  My Dad was going to join me but took one look at the path and realized it was beyond his comfort level with his abilities at his age so it turned into a solo journey into the canyon.  Although I didn't hesitate for even a second at the chance to do this hike, I would be lying if I said I had no fear doing it alone.

The sun had not yet risen but its colors had already painted the sky and the path was plenty well lit so I started my journey down.  Over the space of about 0.9 miles, I descended 450 feet (and then returned by that same path).  The trail had evidence it had been well traveled with many footprints and it switched back many times to help with the descent.  When I started, the trail was empty. I looked back to see my Dad up at Sunrise Point watching me begin my descent along with a few other early risers admiring the view from above.  But I appeared to be the only one descending.

I paused constantly to take in the views, snap a few photos and videos, and repeat over and over "Wow!"  At one of those pauses, the sun peaked over the mountains and took my breath away.

At some point after the sun rose, a couple came up behind me and passed me by.  They would be the first two of eight people I would see on this trail over the hour and fifteen minutes it would take me to travel the 1.8 miles roundtrip.  The remaining six I wouldn't see until I started my climb back up.  So the majority of my journey was in silence with just the sounds of the breeze, my footsteps, the Common Ravens following me, and at one point the song of a Stellar's Jay (a new bird species for me!).

Three times I came across these cutouts in the hoodoos as the trail continued directly through the rock formations.  Besides the footprints filling the path, it was really the only reminder of human influence on the work of art Mother Nature had created.

Until this hike, all of my views in Bryce Canyon National Park had been from the rim of the canyon looking down on the hoodoos.  To be able to stand at the base of them and look up gave me a whole new perspective.  It allowed me to feel connected and a participant vs an observer from above.

By this point, the sun was at an angle in the sky that it was reflecting off even the areas in the shadows.  Everything glowed vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows.

When I reached the bottom, I paused for a moment.  The trail ended at a hoodoo that had been named Queen Victoria.  It was very anticlimactic and a bit unimpressive after the experience I had on the journey going down.  But to be honest, I wasn't really focused on a destination.  The destination was just to give structure to this journey.  What an important reminder that is.  Sometimes in life it can be so easy to be focused on the end goal that the experience of the journey gets lost.  The journey is the best part.

Then I started my climb back up.  The neat thing about an in and back out trail is that you get to see everything from a different angle on the way back.  With my gaze primarily focused forward, there was so much I had missed on the way down.  At one point, I noticed a tree stood tall right in the middle of the path.  How I could have missed something that obvious on the way down, I don't know.  I guess we can't take it all in and process it all.  So our brain picks and chooses what it thinks is important at any given moment.  

It's interesting how when it is a tree in the middle of the path that I missed, I just shake my head and go on.  I don't waste time regretting not seeing it or wishing I had paid more attention.  I just take in the information for the trip forward.  Yet, I struggle to just shake my head and go on when it comes to all the things I missed in my marriage.  Sure, the consequences might be greater in the different scenarios but in each case, I can't go back in time.  The best I can do is just take note of the new information to guide my present and future.

When the sun is low in the sky, my shadow often gets in the photo.  I've really embraced that this trip.  It's the sun's way of adding me to the scenery I'm enjoying so much.  So when I came around the last few corners and could see the look out point where I started, I snapped a photo which also captured part of my shadow.

And then I turned around to reflect on where I had been.  By this point, the sun was in my eyes so I didn't linger too long.  But I did spend just a moment amazed at what I had just accomplished and contemplated the new perspectives gained.  From the top of the trail, I once again had the reminder of what it was like to look down on it all as an observer but fresh in my mind was the perspective of walking among it all as a participant.

This hike gave me confidence as I learn to navigate this world on my own.  It taught me perspective.  It brought me so much joy.  And it left me in complete awe.

Dreams

I had two very distinct dreams last night of my ex-husband that actually stuck with me.  Although I will at times wake up with impressions of a dream or emotions from it, I rarely actually remember any details so to have two in one night stands out a bit.

In the first dream, he had suffered some sort of medical condition after our divorce and as part of the treatment for that condition, his face had been reconstructed such that he wasn't even recognizable.  I was seeing him for the first since that.  The stark difference to the face I thought I had remembered so well was very jarring.  

I still struggle with reconciling the man I thought he was with the man he showed me to be in the end and I wonder if this was my mind's way of trying to still process that.  Although I now understand that it's not that he went through a reconstruction (I really think he changed and grew very little over the two decades I knew him), but more that my perspective went through a reconstruction combined with the fact that as he had nothing to lose anymore at the end, he dropped more of his masks.

I still ask myself how he could do what he did to someone he claimed to love.  It's hard to accept behaviors that are so foreign to my own behaviors and that are in such contradiction to my sense of integrity and ethics.  I realize someday, I will just have to accept that I will never understand and although I'm not there yet, I'm getting closer and closer with all the work I've done.

In the second dream, he had asked for my help with something.  I don't think we were together at this time anymore and this wasn't something that would benefit me but I agreed to try and help him anyway.  Very early on in the interaction, he made an incredibly dismissive comment about something I had suggested and I quickly ended the interaction and walked away, leaving him to figure out whatever he needed help with on his own.  I wasn't willing to tolerate his dismissiveness anymore.

The familiarness of the interaction (except the ending of me walking away) made me wonder how often I had to tiptoe around his ego as he benefited greatly from my knowledge but was too insecure to acknowledge it.  I always believed we made the best decisions when we both had opportunity to be heard and could combine our knowledge and experience.  But I often felt alone in that belief.  

He would so often process a decision in his head and by the time he verbalized it to me, not be willing to entertain any questions or discussion on it.  He kept trying to remind me that he was an internal processor and my response always was fine but he still needed to bring me in on the discussion at some point and be open to my external processing as I tried to catch up.  But I don't think it was about how he processed at all.  His ego was just too fragile to accept anything less than an enthusiastic, unquestioning support of anything he said.

I'm really proud though of how quickly I was willing to walk away from a situation where I was not valued.  I think that reflects incredible growth.  

Perspective

I walked the Park Avenue trail at Arches National Park today.  From the Park Avenue trailhead, it is a pretty steady decline until you reach the bottom of a valley.  Towering rock formations, etched by Mother Nature, reached up on both sides around and behind me.  It felt like I was a tiny speck in the bottom of a deep bowl.

Last night, I stood in the dark on packed snow that reflected the tiniest amount of light with my camera set up on a tripod aimed at Balanced Rock at Arches National Park.  Before me were more stars than my mind could even contemplate.  I could pick out the constellation of Orion but nothing else because the stars were that dense.  My phone tried to direct me to Cassiopeia but I couldn't find the familiar "W" shape in the mass of stars.  As twilight disappeared and the darkness overcame, I discovered that if I stepped more than a few feet from my tripod, I struggled to find it once again.

Yesterday, I walked the Grand View Point Trail at Canyonlands National Park that followed the upper cliffs of the rim along the canyon.  At times, I sat down to just take in the expansive views and at other times I strolled along the path to find new views.

Yesterday morning, just after sunrise, I stood at Mesa Arch in Canyonlands National Park as my eyes widened as the arch slowly started glowing orange from the colors of the sun.

Tuesday, I stood between the towering rock formations along the Sand Dunes Arch trail.

North Window

Double Arch

Broken Arch

Also on Tuesday, I stood in the shadows of so many huge arches sculpted by Mother Nature over centuries.  

Tuesday morning, I watched the sun rise over the majestic, snow capped La Sal Mountains as the colors danced off the red rock formations behind me, a reminder that the light always follows darkness and sometimes it comes with a display of the most brilliant colors to remind us of nature's beauty.

On Sunday, all other sounds were drowned out as the chorus of a flock of snow geese echoed through Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refuge as they took off in unison.  

And these are just a few of the highlights from the last five days.  On this trip, neither the past nor the future matters to the moments.  It's the present moments that remind me of my place in this world, that leave me in complete awe, that show me the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me, that feed my soul, and that remind me of who I am.  

I'm not finding time to write or do any deep reflections like this blog so often highlights.  But I'm pouring into me and I'm exhausting myself with joy each day such that my nights are filled with restful sleep.

Joy even in travel days

My morning may have started at 2:30 a.m. today but it was after five and a half hours of uninterrupted, restful sleep.  And I smiled as I stepped into the shower to discover the rainfall shower head.  I lingered a few extra minutes underneath it before reaching for one of the thick, plush towels.  

To avoid having to deal with the rain and storms in the middle of the night, at the last minute, I booked a night in the hotel where my shuttle would pick me up and it was the best decision I could have made.  It was a little nicer hotel than I normally book so let me experience something special to start my trip.

And then with extra time built in (in case of any delays or issues), I was able to find a good sit-down restaurant and have a real breakfast once I got to the airport.  The chicken sausages were especially good.

Then I walked between the concourses so that I could admire the displays and artwork.  I stopped to admire a photography series on migrants in the American South.  I enjoyed the crayon sculptures at the D Concourse.  And I caught myself smiling as I marveled at the simple, yet genius technology of the moving sidewalks.

Now, I sit on the floor in front of the windows at a quieter gate where I can write, charge my devices, watch the activity at the gate, and feel the rumble of the planes.

Others may wonder why I have such bright smiles for a travel day like this but the way I see it, the world is my playground.  Albuquerque here I come!  My Mom seemed to think we might even have time to drive one of the auto loops this afternoon before sunset.  I hear the flocks of snow geese are impressive.

Birthday week? Birthday month?

Yesterday, my choir director sent me a video of my choir singing happy birthday to me.  They would have sung to me in person had I been there on Wednesday night but I skipped practice because of the busy week and the fact that I would be missing the next few Sundays because of travels.  

In the six and a half years my choir director has known me, I have never spoken up about my birthday so they had never sung to me before.  I'm sure he saw my recent posts on Facebook though and didn't want to miss this first opportunity this year.  One of my alto friends may have spoken up too.  There is this older lady I always sit next to.  She is a fairly recent widow so we connected a bit over our grief.  She has started sending me memes and texts frequently and gave me a card at Christmas that I loved.  It said "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you.  All my other friends are normal."  

Then I went to a wine garden with three great friends.  A fourth had hoped to join us but is stuck getting ready for a trial.  This group of women are just wonderful - kind, intelligent, authentic, generous women.  The conversation flowed easily covering lots of topics - politics, travel, family, work, etc.  And they wouldn't let me pay!  I tried to order some snacks for the table since I had invited them all and they took over.  And then when I went to the restroom at the end, one of them had my tab of drinks transferred over to her own!

Then tomorrow, my parents will be picking me up in Albuquerque so that the three of us can spend a week and a half together exploring New Mexico and Utah.  We've been planning this trip for a year now.  My Mom and I are both planners so it was fun working with her to come up with the itinerary, activities, hotels, etc.  My Dad is the encouragement in the background, encouraging us to book that expensive dome  stay we were hesitating on because the experience will be worth it.

So I sit here this morning drinking my coffee reflecting on all of this and am a bit overwhelmed at the love I feel from so many people.  And I'm surprised at how much I am truly enjoying finally celebrating my birthday.

My initial feelings of abandonment

When he first asked for a divorce in the summer of 2024, what I felt most initially was abandoned.  I'm coming back to understand that feeling now because reading 1984 helped me understand how much the gaslighting and manipulating of my memory felt like the biggest betrayal and I think that explains a bit my feelings of abandonment.  

In early 2024, I interviewed for a promotion in my office, wanting to get paid for the job I had already been doing (on top of my current job) since 2022 and continue to do even up to today.  After going through the lengthy application process and sitting through a panel interview, I was told they would not be filling the position.  The vague reasons given when I and my colleague asked were something about not having the funding in our office's budget.  This position was funded from a special outside funding source which despite those comments about our office's budget situation, we were assured still did exist.  If the special funding unique to this position did still exist, why would it matter what our office's budget looks like?  The lack of straight answers that didn't add up really felt like gaslighting.

Then that summer of 2024, there was a huge pit in my stomach about the ongoing presidential campaigns.  Even before Election Day, I was pretty sure I knew what the results would be.  And although I couldn't have predicted what has happened so far (and what may happen next), I knew it would bring uncertainty to both of our jobs and a lot of distortions and gaslighting from high up officials.

So at work I was being gaslit.  I feared the gaslighting that would soon be a part of our country's daily life.  And at home that summer, the illusion I had built was fracturing as I realized how much my now ex-husband was gaslighting me.  The last space that I had hoped would be my safe haven disappeared before my very eyes overnight.  His decision to run away coincided with probably the one time period in my adult life when I most needed that safe space at home.  No wonder I felt abandoned.

And then I think it was all made even worse when it felt like the one local friend I had who I thought was a really close friend also abandoned me as she ignored my texts, repeatedly cancelled plans on me, and was a bit dismissive in the conversations we did have.

Fast forward to today - I've created that safe space in myself and in my small home.  I've built a community of friends and family with deeper connections to be another safe space.  I've got a happy hour with three of them after work today that I'm looking forward to immensely.  And although the job situation hasn't changed yet, I've taken concrete steps to start looking for a better work environment.  

In doing all that, I haven't erased the feelings of being abandoned by my ex-husband but I have countered its impact on me and hopefully created more stability for myself in the future.  And I've learned a lot about myself and what I need from future relationships.

We see what we want to see

I'm in several birding groups online and the algorithms feed me posts from other groups I'm not actively following as well.  Since the weekend, I've been seeing posts of a dark black heron or egret that was spotted in the Slidell, LA area.  Initial speculation was that it was a melanistic Great Blue Heron, a rare sight to see.  Others wondered if it was covered in oil, although those opinions were pretty quickly dismissed.  So photographers flocked and more and more videos and photos appeared online, many of them appearing to be from a very close distance.  This bird became quite the celebrity.

Then on Monday, the bird was found deceased smelling strongly of creosote.  I believe it has been confirmed that it was covered in oil which likely made it very sick.  This would also explain why people were able to get so close and no one ever saw it fly away.  If only that earlier speculation that it was covered in oil had not been dismissed so quickly, the bird might have been rescued and cleaned.

As events unfold today in Minneapolis with very diverging accounts of what happened (despite several good videos), I can't help but think about how so often we see what we want to see and we listen to the accounts of the people we decide to align ourselves with.  I suppose that is why gaslighting can be so "successful" and it can be so easy for doubts to enter when people so quickly dismiss our initial thoughts.

Today I am sad.

1984 by George Orwell

As a bit of an afterthought, one of the last things I did the night before my trip last week was open the Libby app to find a couple audiobooks to download.  I often enjoy the silence on my drives but for longer ones I like to have a backup in case I get tired of my mind.

One of the first books Libby recommended to me was 1984.  It's not my normal genre but it seemed applicable to the current political climate and I would like to expand my repertoire of classics.  So I downloaded it.  What I didn't expect until I was crossing the state of Georgia was how much I could relate to it on a personal level.

The basic plot is that the world has been divided into three roughly equal superpowers, each with authoritarian governments.  The book takes place in London which is part of the superpower, Oceania (that includes some or all of the Americas).  

Big Brother, the head of Oceania, has implemented two-way technology in every home and public space to heavily surveil its population, including analyzing people to figure out what they are thinking and to punish people for "thought crimes."

Winston and Julia, two of the main characters are part of the outer party and work at the Ministry of Truth which is the agency responsible for propaganda and re-writing history.  Winston's job specifically is to re-write articles, speeches, and other media from the past to fit the current narrative of the regime.  Previous versions are then destroyed as if that version of events never happened.  There is also a concerted effort to significantly pair down the vocabulary of "old speak" into "new speak" so as to eliminate ideas and concepts.  If the language doesn't exist, then the people can't think those thoughts, right?

Winston and Julia become romantic which is against Big Brothers rules - they are trying to eliminate sex for pleasure and actually only approved marriages between people who are not attracted to each other.  Winston was already married in such a way although his wife left him years prior.  The couple are each portrayed as individuals against the regime each looking for different ways to resist.  They meet O'Brien, a member of the inner party who in their earlier interactions indicates he is a member of the Brotherhood, a resistance movement.

Ultimately, both Winston and Julia are arrested for thought crimes.  They were likely set up by O'Brien who sent them a book supposedly written by the Brotherhood that they were caught reading and by a shop keeper who rented Winston his hideaway who turns out to be a member of the Thought Police.  O'Brien is the one who tortures and brainwashes him.

At first, as I was driving down the road listening to this book, I was fascinated by the way the mind and memory can be controlled with gaslighting.  The regime's moto that whoever controls the present controls the past and whoever controls the past controls the future hit a nerve about how much control really is about influencing and the manipulating the mind.  Ultimately, Winston is convinced that 2+2=5 and that certain recollections he has from the past are "false memories."

So thinking about my own marriage, imagine that my ex-husband is Winston.  Big Brother is the internal battle within him which creates the various versions of Winston (fantasy and real).  O'Brien is his mother whose toxic relationship with him has created this internal battle.  Julia is me, the one who fell for the initial version of him that she felt aligned with her, suffered because of decisions he made, and ultimately was disgusted with the version he displayed in the end.  At the end, Winston also feels disgust towards Julia which ironically is how the story starts.

What hits the hardest about this story is how easily reality can be distorted.  I spend so much of my life in my head.  I value the ways I think, analyze, and reflect.  It’s very core to who I am.  To experience how easily that core piece of who I am can be tampered with is deeply wounding and probably hurts me at a deeper level than other types of betrayals.  My ex-husband distorted reality so much, I started doubting myself and my abilities to think, analyze, and reflect.

And maybe that is why I turned to dissociation so much.  If I didn’t let my mind register what was happening, I wouldn’t have to try and make sense of incongruities that would never make sense.

This story also tugs at my empathy.  Winston, like my ex-husband, was a deeply tortured and miserable person who was also a victim to influences of Big Brother and O’Brien (in the case of my ex-husband, his internal conflict and his current toxic relationship with his mother).  That doesn’t excuse my ex-husband’s behaviors.  He is absolutely responsible for his own growth and healing.  But I feel a lot of empathy for the internal battle I suspect he constantly faces (and tries to avoid) and the pressure he still feels from his mother.

It’s so easy to get caught in a cycle of toxicity (hurt people keep hurting people who then hurt other people) and much harder to step out of it to end the cycle by doing the work to heal from the hurt.

The Hum of an Air Conditioner

Yesterday, my therapist told me that grief is like the hum of an air conditioner.  Sometimes it's white noise in the background you don't notice.  Other times it is so loud you can't sleep at night.

I've been a bit frustrated that a year and a half in I still get moments of overwhelm at the anger, grief, sadness, etc. to the point where it does affect my sleep.  The nighttime hours are the hardest.  I thought I would be past that point.

She also reminded me of my delayed reaction to it all.  It was as recently as last week that bricks were still falling on me, another really good analogy she used.  There were all these things he did that I suspect my body knew and held in even though my mind did not accept, so they became these bricks suspended above me, ready to fall only when I finally recognized the harm each act did to me.  The gray car is one such brick that I feel has hit me several times as I unfold the layers to it and how interwoven it was throughout the length of my entire marriage.  Bricks probably aren't done falling so how can I expect to be past it?

Maybe the deception of myself was as great as his deception of me which makes it all that much harder to untangle and heal from.

Then on the flip side of that when the moment comes to do some sort of ritual to release some of it, the hum is so faint that the ritual has become unimportant.  In those moments, I don't even notice the grief as I live the quite amazing life I've built.

I suppose it is not the absence of my grief that I should use to track my progress but instead the fullness of the life I move forward into.  The goal isn't to eliminate the difficult feelings.  It is to make something great of them.  To grow.  To do better.  To develop deeper connections.  To build stronger.  To live.

My birthday

It's my birthday today.  I didn't used to tell people.  I did my best to ignore the day every year.  I had some bad experiences on my birthday as a child.  Although the specifics of those memories have long faded, the feeling that the day would best be ignored persisted.  I also think I just didn't want the attention.  I didn't have the energy for extra attention.  What little energy I felt I had for myself I guarded closely and tried to live life invisibly.  

But everything has turned around so drastically in the last year and a half.  And I now have so much energy that I don't need to guard it as closely.  Plus, the more I accept some attention, the more I'm feeling the benefits of the connections that are built when I am seen.

So I told people this year.  I even just posted about my day on social media.  I planned something just for me as well as something for some of my community to celebrate with me.  For the latter, I have a group of friends who will be joining me for a happy hour next Thursday.  I'm so looking forward to it!

But the something just for me turned out even more amazing than I could have imagined.  I spent the last three days bird watching in Central Florida both on the Gulf and the Atlantic side.  I identified 50 different species of birds plus saw deer, alligators, and turtles.  I took 1,940 photos!  I spent at least 12 hours immersed in nature at four different parks/refuges.

I had some of the most amazing up close experiences.  A pair of Reddish Egrets danced for me in a tidal pond at Fort De Soto Park.  Two fawns unexpectedly stepped out from a forest at Lettuce Lake Park to take a sip of water in the lake.  A flock of Black Skimmers flew in unison as if they were doing a choreographed dance at Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge.  At the Orlando Wetlands, an Anhinga caught a fish that was way larger than it could handle - it put in a really good effort but eventually gave up.  Roseate Spoonbills landed just steps from the boardwalk where I stood.  And a giant alligator eyed me up suspiciously as I wondered how close I could get without disturbing him.

And then I got such a laugh as I stood on the boardwalk, not too far from where the Roseate Spoonbills were hanging out in the trees when I felt something wet on my face.  Wiping it away and then looking down at my camera, I realized a bird had shit on me!  And then I remembered this is the second time this has happened to me in the last 12 months.  This can't be normal, can it?  Some say it is a sign of good luck. I wonder if it is the bird's affectionate way of telling me he likes me.  Either way, I enjoyed the laugh and then I washed my hands at the park and showered when I got back to the hotel.

My feet and body are tired but in a way that feels satisfying.  I am really glad I planned this trip.  Happy Birthday to me!

A Release Ritual at the Beach

I tried.  I had thought about all the things I might draw or write in the sand that would feeling healing to watch the waves wash away.  But when the time came, I didn't have the patience and I wanted to get back to my birds.  I'm not even sure how much I cared in the moment.  So I wrote out his last name and the word betrayal and watched the waves wash it away and then I continued on down the beach, making my way back to the Reddish Egrets I had been watching earlier.

I don't think it accomplished what I had hoped it would.  Or maybe the planning leading up to it was enough.  Or maybe my good days outweigh the bad moments enough that those moments of anger that still occasionally come up aren't strong enough to really negatively impact me in any lasting way.

That's all I have to say about this today.  Maybe I'll have more reflections at another time when I am not as engrossed in the amazing photos I took today reflecting an experience that I will never forget.  Wow, did those Reddish Egrets really put on a show for me!  And the Snowy Plovers that are so small and blend in so well, at first I thought the sand was moving until I realized they were little birds!

First Bird of 2026

I had the privilege to start the new year bird watching at an amazing location, Fort De Soto Park in Florida.  And this year's bird year started with an interesting species, the Nanday Parakeet.  I had seen them once before in this exact place three or four years ago but not as my first bird of the year that first time.

I heard them before I saw them.  From the moment I stepped out of my car, their chatter filled my ear.  I followed the path towards the beach and found them both up in trees perching and on the ground digging in the sand.  They are a peculiar looking bird for the US.  Such a vibrant green bird gives off vibes of South America.  It really doesn't look like it belongs here.  And that is because it is not native here.

It is native to central parts of South America but became a popular pet in the last century which is how they made their way to our continent.  As these intelligent birds either escaped or were released by pet owners, they established some pretty extensive feral colonies in a few select cities across the country, including the Tampa Bay area.

So why am I writing about a bird?  Because it feels significant that this particular bird was my first of the year and not because I was seeking it out, I was more focused on finding the Reddish Egrets.  It just appeared before me and captured my attention as if there was some parallel to my life worth reflecting on related to this bird.

Maybe this is the year, I'm supposed to let myself be a bit feral and seek out a community that is a bit feral after escaping the captivity of an unhealthy marriage.  And I mean the word feral in a wild, adventurous way, not a destructive way.  Many non-native species are invasive and cause harm to our local ecosystem.  This bird seems to be largely neutral.  There isn't any real documented harm to other native species or the ecosystem.  They are just a bit wild, noisy, and beautiful to look at.