Angel Bear

There is an angel Vermont Teddy Bear sitting in a garbage bag on the floor of my apartment right now.  I collect teddy bears (or at least I have a collection of them - I haven't added to it in a while).  There is a selection of my favorite ones sitting on top of my kitchen cabinets now, waiting to be taken down and moved to Atlanta.  

The oldest one is Mr. Monkey (a monkey, not a bear I know) who was in my crib waiting for me when I was born.  He has bear status even if he is a monkey.  The next oldest one is a bear from the SS Norway, my first cruise when I was 13 years old.  Interestingly, I see I also have displayed the one I got on the Zuiderdam when we got married.  Maybe I kept that one displayed because I knew I would be making new memories on that ship, which is true.  I actually don't remember the ship as it was on our wedding cruise.  I remember it as it was last year with my family.

There are also ones from London that go back to 1999 and I think the tie dye one peaking out of a basket is a VW one.  Lolita, a VW Jetta was my favorite car.  And there is the one my cousins made for me with the help of my Grandma with some leftover fabric from the quilt my Grandma made me for college.  That one is truly special.

The angel bear is in a garbage bag because that is where I found her stuffed in the back of my closet when I packed up my apartment.  My ex-husband gave it to me when we were dating.  He told me I was his angel so he wanted me to have an angel bear to remind me of that.

It's from a quality bear company.  They still sell it for $95.  I imagine the price has gone up over time but it still wasn't a cheap bear for a college student over two decades ago.

I don't recall any other gifts he gave me.  I'm not saying he couldn't have given me other ones (my memory isn't perfect) but if he did, they were minimal and rare.

When I went to go fetch this angel bear in a garbage bag from the shelf tonight, I thought I would just throw it away.  But it is a teddy bear, from quality company, that is still in amazing shape.  I'm not sure I can throw it away.  Maybe that's silly.

I wonder how I would react to such a gift if I received it today.  With the clarity and maturity I have now, I don't really want to be anyone else's angel.  I was naive then.  I thought it was the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me.  But now it just feels like a message from someone who wants to be taken care of, someone who is dependent on another to be saved.  It comes with heavy responsibility.  It's not cute or sweet.

I don't know what I will do with this angel bear.  Part of me wants to reclaim it for myself, find a prominent place to display it, and look to it as the guiding angel within me.  Because that is the angel that is real, the divine spirit that has been ever so present through even my darkest days.  And it truly is a beautiful bear.  

Can I do that?  Can I divorce the man who gave it to me from the beauty of the symbol?  Or will it always be a reminder of him?