I never imagined that my life could become so great by shedding a man

I don't want to date.  

I know that's a loaded statement so I gave it its own line as I let it settle.  Before I continue to reflect, I want to make clear, I'm not closing any doors.  I'm just writing about where I'm at today.

I never imagined that my life could become so great by shedding a man.

And that statement is where I have been sitting, going back to even before I had really begun to process the separation and marriage.  I even told him as we were splitting up and he was talking about finding someone new that I probably wouldn't marry again or even look for someone new.  The look on his face made me realizing being single wasn't even an option in his mind, it was a foreign concept to him.  But even before I had experienced all the positive effects of moving out or even understood much of anything, I knew my life would be better.

And then I began processing the relationship and I started to realize how much manipulation I had overlooked and how much of a performance he put on, especially in the beginning.  Understanding all that just made me leery of falling for it again with someone else.  It reinforced my belief that I was better off alone.

And then I struggled with what felt like a repulsion to sex.  A relationship with someone would come with expectations of sex and I just didn't know if that was something I was willing to tolerate for some companionship.  That said, as I wrote about in this post, I'm starting to unravel the toxic dynamic we had in our sex life.  He's all I have ever known and I think his approach to sex was pretty damaging to me.  Maybe that means my current revulsion to sex is more about unpacking that trauma and someday with the right person, I'll experience something different.  I'm not there yet but I'm also not willing to ignore this possibility.

I talked to my therapist last night about my fear that I won't be able to trust again.  To end a two decade relationship realizing every decision I made, everything I built my life around was based on a fantasy shatters any trust in I had in myself and my own gut.  

Sorting through reality vs fantasy in the midst of grief isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy, although I'm a bit Pollyanna and wouldn't really want any bad to come to any enemy, if I ever came across someone I perceived as an enemy, so maybe that's not a helpful statement.  I guess I mean to say that what I went through upon separation from my husband felt like the cruelest thing I could have experienced.  It was crippling at times and will likely leave scars that will never fully go away.

But my therapist pointed out to me all the ways I am already trusting again.  I have built a community of relationships with people who have gotten to see some pretty vulnerable pieces of myself.  And when she asked about how I envision this move to Atlanta, my answer was centered on all the rich relationships I want to build there.  Even my dreams for the future revolve around trusting people.  I may not be jumping into a romantic relationship but I am  building intimacy with friends.

Then this morning I chatted with my colleague, a friend I hope to keep in touch with when I move.  There's another woman in my office who went through something very similar to me about 3 or 4 years ahead of me.  This colleague had the opportunity to watch both of us go through fairly similar experiences.  

My colleague/friend compared the two of us in this conversation this morning.  She told me that I have put the work in to learn from this experience in a way my other colleague had not.  She said that my other colleague would probably repeat the same patterns if she got into another relationship.  She told me that she knew I would be able to trust my gut because of the work I had done.

The conversation then turned to a particular male in our office who is manipulative, sexist, and uses people for his own gain, yet knows how to be really charming and put on a good performance.  She and I see right through him.  This other colleague who divorced before me falls for his charm.  Maybe the work I have done will pay off.

That right there was encouraging for me.

I still am not interested in dating.  But I'm ready to dive head first into developing more relationships.  I posted on Threads about my move to Atlanta and the community I hope to build and the responses are overwhelming with all kinds of ideas of specific communities to explore.  So I'm going to focus on building a rich, fulfilling life filled with interesting people and although I'm not going to actively seek out a partner, I'm not going to close doors that may open through that process.