Imaginary Conversations

As I walked home today, an imaginary conversation played in my head.  I don't know if it is normal or not but I often have imaginary conversations in my head with all the people in my life.  Sometimes it is replaying a conversation I already had and tweaking it to what I wish I had said.  Sometimes it's saying the things I wish I could say.  Sometimes I think they are just an imaginary sounding board for something I'm trying to work out.

Today's imaginary conversation was with my ex-husband.  It was the conversation I sometimes wish we could have to reflect on the relationship.  I've had this conversation many times over the last twenty-one months, although it is never exactly the same as I am never in exactly the same spot in my healing. 

Fortunately, the frequency of this conversation has really slowed down to months in between.  I'll take that as a good sign for my healing.

I think what triggered it is the impending move, for several reasons.  

For two decades, he was the person I shared everything with, the little and the big things.  Now, I recognize that he never would have been willing to move to Atlanta.  He wouldn't have been able to benefit from it.  And in hindsight I realize his level of enthusiasm for my news was in direct proportion to how well it benefited him.  So I doubt I would have gotten any enthusiasm from him.  I mean I wouldn't have even applied for this promotion had we still been together.  So maybe this is a moot point.  But I still miss having a go-to person for all my news.

Although, I'm not sure that was my main motivation for this imaginary conversation.

Deep down, I think what I really wanted was for him to see my glow and my peace.  I wanted him to feel the loss.  I wanted him to see what I could have been if he hadn't drained and shrunk me.   

Logical me recognizes that it wouldn't do a damn bit of a difference.  His insecurities and shame and misery and whatever eats him from the inside would keep his eyes shut to the truth.  He still wouldn't be able or willing to actually see or understand me.  Is that what this is?  A need to feel seen and understood.  Aren't I started to get that with the community I'm building?  Why do I still feel this need from him?

I imagined him commenting on the peace he saw and asking about it.  I found myself wanting to tell him that what he taught me is that it doesn't matter what words I choose or how I convey my message, someone intent on misunderstanding will never understand.  I had no interest anymore in answering his questions or explaining anything to him.  Although, I suppose even sharing that lesson I learned with him would be a form of explaining myself.

I suppose I always imagined that someday we would run into each other and have a conversation like the ones I've been having in my head.  But the days are disappearing when that chance encounter is even possible.  When he moved out this spring, it eliminated chance encounters where we live.  But all this time, we have worked just three blocks apart.  That will only be true for seven more work days.

And then I won't even be in the same time zone as him.

Maybe I'll always be baffled by how two people can spend 22 years together and then suddenly depart one day without even an honest conversation, never to speak again.  But maybe having a time zone between us and the excitement of a new chapter will get me to finally stop asking the question why.  

Maybe someday soon, he will cease to participate in any of the imaginary conversations I have in my head.