Leaving work

I walked home in the rain today, a steady but fairly light rain.  Water drops dripped down my bangs and onto my face.  There was a bit of coolness in the air.

It was much needed after walking out of what felt like a dumpster fire at work.  Employees with a strong work ethic often get taken advantage of.  It can really create a bit of a toxic environment, especially as others seem to get away with doing very little work.  But there are added layers to it in the office I'm soon leaving that are creating pretty significant negative consequences.  Some people may have been pushed too far.

I feel immense relief.  I can guess what was on my path had I stayed and it would have been pretty miserable for no meaningful reason.

I feel guilt.  Some of my colleagues who I have come to respect and admire are being thrown into the chaos.  How many will still be standing when the year is over?

I feel a bit detached.  I'm so close to being out the door, just five work days left.  It's not my circus anymore.

And it all feels really weird that this will be what my ending at this office looks like.  I was thinking today as I walked home that my supervisor is on leave next week.  He never found a moment this week to say goodbye or wish me well.  The last conversation I had with him was I think a week and a half ago.  One of the last comments he said to me directly was a dismissive dig.  Sadly, I'm not surprised by that.  So much of the chaos stems from him.  And if what I suspect is true, my leaving put a real wrench in his plans.  It feels like resentment in the air.

It's funny, I'm not sure I even really wanted a last conversation with him yet not having it feels like something is missing.  I guess it goes back to that need to feel seen and heard, something that has been sorely missing in this job from anyone besides my immediate team.

But enough about that.  My colleagues, my peers are set to celebrate with me next Friday and I have a group of girlfriends making plans for an evening next week and another friend who has reached out to make plans.  Lots of people who do care are making time for me.

And now, I have worked to do.  Movers come tomorrow morning at 8:00 a.m. and I chose to goof off last night instead of pack so I really have my work cut out for me.  Maybe I'll find a playlist to help me focus.