Anyway, today's insight relates to my bullies from fifth and sixth grade. Most of my entries about them were expressing how liked them and even had crushes on the boys. In my writing, I minimize the cruelty they displayed towards me and found ways to admire them. And I know they had to have been very cruel because my parents actually stepped in when I was in fifth grade and approached the teacher (and then the Principal when the teacher wasn't helpful) to try and improve things. They only ever stepped in when things got really bad and I was in over my head.
In sixth grade, we put on a play. I had been given the Princess role and spent days memorizing all my lines. I was so excited. And then my teacher approached me and explained that the special education class needed help with their play and I was given a role as Sir Kay in their play. At first, I understood my teacher to mean I would get to do both roles so I heartily agreed. But shortly after we started rehearsing, the Princess role was taken away from me and given to one of my female bullies.
I didn't give myself space in my journal to express the disappointment I know I felt. The only comment that even hints at it is after the play was over, I write, "I was Sir Kay and should have been the Princess because [bully] did a bad job." From an outsider's perspective, I probably looked like a happy child diving into a new role with enthusiasm because I did pour everything into the Sir Kay role.
I suppose these are pretty clear examples of that avoidant attachment style my therapist often brings up. It was easier to bury my negative emotions and just pretend that I was okay with it all and when I pretended long enough I started to believe it. I'm sure it helped that I had the skills to find something good in everything and everyone and could build a fantasy around even the tiniest piece of good.
As I reflect today, what all that accomplished is a normalization of some pretty messed up relationships with people.
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