Maybe as many as 75% of the photos were of cars - no surprise there! There were a few candid shots of me which almost seemed to reflect he felt some affection towards me. He had a short video of me dancing at silent disco at the Milwaukee Art Museum. There were photos of me exploring the Chicago Auto Show. He captured me dressed up for dinner sitting in a lounge on a cruise ship. There was even an out-of-focus photo of me with my head tipped back laughing as I sat across from him at a table.
There were a few selfies including a series in the bathroom with his shirt off with expressions that clearly showed his struggle with his body image. That was one of his many internal struggles and the one I struggled the most with in knowing what to say or do to be supportive.
Then I came across a photo he had taken of his notes from what looks like one of our couple's counseling sessions in early 2018. It was titled "What Rebecca needs." It went on to list three things that I'll quote here.
1. To put her pain first - make sure she's comfortable & understand what she needs2. Give her words of affirmation-Tell her what I like about her-Tell her why I love her, why she's important to me & that she's the one for me3. Ask about her day, show genuine interest, & share about my day
He then adds a statement with a star in front of it that says, "Remember - she said she gives me a fresh start every day!"
Holy shit! The bar was on the floor if that is the level of basic needs we were working on after more than a decade of marriage and if such very basic parts of a relationship needed to be written down. I have met strangers who do all of those things on some level. And why was I giving a man a fresh start every day who couldn't even be bothered to care if I was in pain or take an interest in my day? I would have moved Heaven and Earth for a man who needed to be reminded to ask about my day
I experienced a weird cognitive dissonance though, as I scrolled through the photos in that folder, because of the memories it contained that made me smile, the reminders of the times we both seemed happy, the fantasy version that convinced me it could be a good marriage, that contrasted with his car obsession and inability or unwillingness to participate in the relationship in even the most basic ways.
It all reminded me of the nuance that existed which brought out the compassionate side of me that was too quick to make excuses. From the very beginning, I knew he faced so many internal struggles. I saw those struggles become center stage through so many different phases of our two decades together. And I was so often on the receiving end of his inability to manage those internal struggles.
I wanted better for him and had this misplaced belief that being by his side would make a difference.
I chuckle a little at the irony of his accusations that I lacked empathy as we separated. My empathy is part of what lured me in from the beginning and empathy is what allowed me to make excuses and hold on to false hope for as long as I did. Early on we bonded over childhood struggles. In hindsight, I sometimes wonder if that was part of the manipulation.
There was always a difference between him and I though that left a divide even as we bonded over struggles. I turned my challenges into learning moments. He used his challenges to paint himself as a victim. I didn't understand how critical that difference is when I was in my twenties.
We all go through bad shit in life that negatively affects us to varying degrees. We aren't responsible for the bad shit that happens to us. But we do have a choice how we respond to it. And no, we aren't always going to respond perfectly every time. Sometimes we will get stuck in victim mode, and maybe to a certain extent there are circumstances where that is a healthy part of the process.
But if we never push past that to figure out what we can make of what we were given and how we can grow and heal, we just get stuck and we drain the people who try to help us and destroy the relationships that mean the most to us.
I think coming across stuff like this now when I have distance and much more clarity helps me see how complicated it all was. Maybe its a bit easier to give myself the grace I deserve when I see how the nuance left me navigating gray area at a time when I didn't have the maturity to fully understand what I was experiencing.
It's an important reminder that it wasn't all bad. No one would stay in a relationship that is all bad. We get stuck in unhealthy dynamics because there is just enough good to create the excuses that leave us holding on to false hope.
And such a critical part of healing is recognizing that gray area so we can make different choices next time to hopefully not get so stuck or at least stay stuck.
I also would like to think that this processing helps affirm a core belief of mine that it is very rare for someone to be all bad (or all good for that matter). Neither my ex-husband nor my marriage were all bad even if it so often feels like he wasted two decades of my life. There was good that came out of those two decades.
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