The Social Experiment Continues

I had booked another Time Left dinner for last night.  I was the first to arrive at the restaurant a couple minutes before 7 pm and so was told to wait in the bar area until the rest of the group showed up.  Shortly after I watched a woman about my age check in with the hostess and then make her way my direction.  She introduced herself and then we chatted easily as we waited.  By about 7:20 pm, we made our way back to the hostess stand and asked to just be seated as it appeared most would be no shows.  One man had called the restaurant to say he would be 40 minutes late.  The rest appeared to have ghosted us.

She and I sat down and continued our conversation as we waited.  Eventually, the one who had called in showed up and introduced himself.  The tone of the evening shifted the moment he sat down.

It quickly became apparent that he really liked to hear himself talk and he had a story to relate to anything anyone said to the point where I'm not sure anyone else at the table every fully finished their own story or thought.  He would jump in midway.  There was such a lack of curiosity.  

Then at one point the he was talking about his experiences with Time Left, he mentioned the motivations people bring to the dinners and how so many of them are future focused and aren't in the present moment.  Yet, he didn't know how to be present with anyone but himself.  And is that really being present if you are so self-focused that you aren't even reading the social cues of others?  Doesn't true presence require reciprocal interactions with the people and world around you?   I wondered how he could have any real understanding of others' motivations if he never let them speak.

In the meantime, I sat across from the other woman and watched.  She had interested me from our initial conversations before the third showed up but as I watched the way she interacted with this third person, she really intrigued me.  She knew how to ask just the right question at the right moment to steer the conversation elsewhere.  And although, I doubt the third person ever picked up on any of it, I watched an array of emotions intermittently cross her face.  She was just as irritated by this third person as I was.

The dinner ended abruptly as soon as we could get our bills paid and she and found ourselves together without him on the sidewalk outside as she waited for her car.  The camaraderie in that moment of the shared experience felt like such a huge relief from the tension at the dinner table.  

In the middle of that camaraderie I had the chance to self-reflect on my own role in the evening.  I had so much admiration for this other woman because I felt stuck, passively sitting there.  I knew I needed to ask more questions and to more actively participate even when it was a bit uncomfortable.  That was an area of needed growth for me.

After each dinner, the app asks for feedback including a section where you give impressions on your dinner mates.  They usually give you about five positive sayings that might be true and you select if they match anyone you met.  The sayings people select about you then translate to characteristics (like charismatic, grounded, intelligent, etc.) that go on your profile for anyone to see.

Some of the examples I've seen

"Who made people feel heard - not just listened to?"

"Who asked deeper questions that weren't just small talk?"

"Who had zero pretenses - just real vibes?"

"Who could probably cite the most facts from an encyclopedia?"

"Who had the best attitude?"

After last night's dinner it offered me this option, "Who had main character energy?"  Without hesitation, I selected that for our third person.  And then after I had already hit submit, I thought more carefully about that phrase and how I would consider that an insult, not a compliment if I received it from someone I had just met, so it is an interesting choice for the app to offer.

In therapy, we talked about my main character energy as a positive thing because it was a reflection of finally pouring into myself and building something that was meant for me.  It's a counter to a life that was so unbalanced for so long.  But I don't want my main character energy to dominate conversations and tip the balance such that it has a negative impact on the interactions I have with the people I meet.  Even with my main character energy for my personal life, the most fulfilling conversations and relationships with people are the reciprocal ones with balance.

I have met 21 people through five different Time Left events.  Twelve of them have been men, nine have been women.  Each dinner has been so unique as the dynamics of the individuals create that uniqueness.  Most of my experiences have been really positive and enjoyable.  But there are a few that stand out in ways that negatively impacted the group.  All of those that stand out negatively have been men.

1. The main character energy man of last night
2. The man at my first dinner who was convinced he couldn't be a racist because he had a black girlfriend but then made comments throughout the night that raised eyebrows
3. The man at my first dinner who buried himself in his phone except for the moments he found a way to dominate the conversation
4. The man at another dinner who was the victim in every story and came across as really inauthentic in the way he talked about his life

And then I think about the Board Walks I've done some Saturday mornings.  Conversations flow so easily with the women who are so willing to engage both in the topic they brought and the topics of the people they are walking with.  I can't say the same about the conversations I have had with so many of the men who show up.  

I still remember the awkwardness of the man who came with no topic of his own (a requirement of the walk) and wasn't really interested in engaging in the topics of others.  And I remember the man who although he seemed to come with an open ended topic that could have lead to some good discussions, he really just wanted people to help him solve a practical work problem and didn't really have a lot of interest in discussing anything else.

I still have no interest in dating but I can't help but think about what the dating world is like right now when I have these experiences.  There's such a large gap between so many men and women.  And it just seems to be getting bigger.

I even sense it a little bit at my new office.  Not in any drastic, horrible ways.  I think the people I work closest with including the men are relatively evolved but there just seems to be more thought behind what the women say that shows a deeper ability to reflect and better comprehend the larger topic at hand.  

It's not about intelligence, at least in the traditional sense.  It stems from skills like active listening, pausing before speaking to let thoughts fully form, truly valuing others' contributions and skills, cooperatively co-leading instead of directing, not needing to be the loudest voice in the room, self-reflection, a desire to grow and improve, etc.

I recognize that this isn't all men.  But I think as a society this is how we have socialized men to be and so even the ones who try to move past it have some of it still ingrained.  I also recognize that the contrast I describe women as doesn't reflect all women.  Although, I suspect it is some of those same ingrained societal ideas that get in the way of women who struggle with this as well.