Marriage wasn't about "us" to him. It was about "him" and him alone. He never said to me "you're never on our side." Instead he constantly exclaimed "you're never on my side." He wasn't willing to look at what was best for us. It was always about what he wanted, needed, preferred, etc. And if what I thought would be better for us as a couple conflicted with that, I definitely wasn't on his side.
What a dynamic! One person always looking out for "me", "me", "me." The other person trying to sometimes counter that by focusing solely on "us" and dismissing her own needs.
So in this context, I was drained. I was minimized. I was unconsidered. So I started trying to find little moments to do something about it. I started finding stolen moments to fall back in love with myself.
I remember the walk on the beach in Maui in May of 2023 that I wrote about the other day. There were many moments on that trip where I poured into myself in little stolen moments - breakfast in the aft restaurant, a drink in the sunset bar, a solo snorkeling excursion, an after dinner tender ride, etc. But maybe that wasn't even the beginning.
In early 2022, we took a cruise through the Panama Canal with his mom and my parents. When we stopped in Colombia. I had helped my ex pick out an excursion to do with his mom and booked just the two of them on it. I then booked myself the day in the Sanctuary. I'm not even sure what my parents did that day but it was time I knew I needed for myself.
In later 2022, we took a cruise with his mom in a top suite that had complimentary access to all the specialty restaurants. I booked the two of them a dinner at one of those restaurants that I knew would occupy the whole evening because it included a show. I then showed up in the dining room by myself, dressed in a favorite dress, and soaked in the attention of the wait staff while I enjoyed a leisurely dinner and then went to my favorite martini bar for drinks.
In spring of 2023, we moved into a new apartment, and I think that is when I started my morning coffee routine. I had my spot on a stool at the counter where I could spread out with my laptop and enjoy some breakfast and a slow cup of coffee. He hated this routine of mine. But I didn't budge. It was time I needed to pour into me.
And then there was that magical night in the Galapagos. I went back to my travel blog to find these beautiful words to describe that moment.
I did wake up though in the middle of the night (about 4:30 a.m.) and something called me to the balcony (figuratively - I wasn't actually hearing voices). The stars were so numerous that it was hard to make out individual constellations. It was truly a magnificent sight to see. And then a pair of gulls started soaring and playing along side the starboard side of the bow. They were just white whispers in the night. I later would learn that they were Swallow-tail Gulls that often followed the ship at night looking for squid which come to the surface at night.
Looking straight forward over the bow all I could see was pure darkness. It was a moment that took my breath away. I tried to go back to sleep after that but couldn't so returned to the balcony where I laid on the lounger and just enjoyed the moments until the first lights of sunrise began to appear and then I went back to bed.
It was in these recent years that I started to take advantage of the hours he was sleeping. I would get up before sunrise to go out and watch the colors paint the sky as he slept in. I would actually set a silent vibration alarm on my wrist on vacation to have these moments. With my last couple of solo trips, I wondered why I wasn't as motivated to get up for sunrise as I used to be. I think it's because I don't need to steal moments like this anymore.
I now understand that the act of pouring into myself is what makes me show up better in relationships. It's actually quite crucial to a healthy relationship. I will do my best to never again get pulled into a relationship that doesn't leave space for me to do that. I shouldn't need to steal these type of moments. There should just be space for them.
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