The trigger was an e-mail asking me to do a task that should not be my job, an e-mail that had come in four hours earlier but I had been so busy all day I hadn't seen it. There is a paralegal in the office next door to me with very little to do whose job it is to support that type of case. But the trigger was just a small piece of a much larger context.
I then went back to my desk and composed an e-mail politely saying "no." I don't know if I have ever said "no" to a supervisor before. Well, there was one time for an incredibly unreasonable ask when I was off the clock on a weekend. But usually, I just do what is asked at work no matter what it costs me. I erased and re-wrote that e-mail three or four times before I finally hit send and closed my eyes. I little later I heard the paralegal next door taking care of the task.
About an hour before I saw that e-mail, my other supervisor came to me asking me to create a report to show our caseload. He wanted something to show new management to advocate for more staff resources to handle the type of cases that are at the heart of what I do.
After years of deprioritizing my work, leaving positions unfilled, overloading my colleagues with other types of cases, adding other work onto my workload despite my narrow funding, etc., it took me leaving to realize maybe he needs to do something different. And he was willing to use a bit more of my labor to advocate for what he should have been advocating for all along. Just six months ago, he told me he had too many other more important priorities.
As I prepared this report, I was disgusted. Our numbers were low. It's quite understandable, actually. When you don't give people the resources to do their jobs, less work gets done. If he truly cared about advocating for resources, he would have started worrying about our numbers years ago, not now when it's probably too late. They are now stuck in a vicious cycle of not having the resources to do the cases that bring up the numbers to advocate for more resources.
If I back up a bit further to see the even bigger context, my mind has been pulled a million directions as my time gets shorter and the amount of work I want to accomplish to help the one colleague who has been by my side for the last seven and a half years gets larger. And although he is a calm, intelligent, very capable colleague, I feel like I can sense a bit of panic in him.
The percentage of my duties that can be easily passed off onto another support staff is quite small. Much of what I currently do will fall back on his shoulders. Some of it just won't be able to happen. I realize he did it before me but his caseload was much smaller then. Something will have to give.
Of course, this all comes at a time where an abundance of really good cases have just walked in our door. We so rarely get very good cases from outside our office. For some perspective, I haven't had cases I felt this strongly about since about 2020. So I'm deep in data, learning new formulas, creating a work product that gives me so much pride. And I'm reviewing documents, sitting in on meetings, getting ready to interview witnesses, and participating in all the strategizing. It's all so energizing. It taps into the deep meaning that has been missing from so much of my work these last couple of years. There is so much I want to do for these cases and not enough time to accomplish it all before I leave.
And through it all, I'm just so tired of hearing my supervisor say that he knows that this promotion is what I have always wanted. He even made that comment in front of my enter division and a member of our top management. For three and a half years, I have been doing the work of this promotion on top of my other duties for the lower pay of my current position. Three and a half years! He even interviewed me for the same promotion in our office over 2 years ago and then couldn't explain why they suddenly decided not to fill the position. It's a slap in my face to keep reminding me that you knew what it would take to keep me here and didn't do it.
I need to spread my wings to a new city. I need these new adventure for personal reasons. But I can't help but recognize that I never would have been looking for the promotion elsewhere, if they had given it to me 2 years ago, if they had understood the value of the type of cases I handle going back even more years, if they had recognized the value I provided to the office, if they hadn't assumed I would just always be there in the windowless office at the end of the hall by the stairwell.
I'm glad it's working out the way it is because I will greatly benefit from a fresh start but I still feel the weight of all the ways my supervisors continue to take advantage of me as I try and balance it out with the reciprocity I want to provide for the colleague who has been by my side for all these years. I'm proud of my "no" today as I seek that balance.
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