Lunch with a friend, maybe

I might be having lunch with that friend who seemed to distance herself from me after the separation.  I've written about her often.  She was my only close local friend when the separation happened.  We met over seven years ago and have even traveled together.  My social media memories this week include some from five years ago with her and her family in the mountains.

She now pops back up every three or four weeks to check in on me in a way that almost feels like an obligation.  When she saw my social media post about the job a little over two weeks ago, she reached out suggesting we get together for a lunch or dinner.  I then didn't hear anything from her until last Friday when she actually proposed a date.  We agreed on today but we didn't set a time or a place.  That's been how it usually goes.  Each time, I've reached out the night before or day of to confirm.  

I don't know if I want to keep doing that.  I don't even know if I want to see her.  I feel so sad typing that.

As I build a life that is more aligned and intentional, I really appreciate the clarity I have gained.  During my marriage, I was living in a fog, maybe even with my head buried in the sand.  But the clarity is also painful.  It's hard to now see the dynamics and situations that I thought I used to love so much shift in ways that leave me with loss, anger, disappointment, etc.  My eyes are now open and I can't unsee what I have now seen and in some ways, I miss the ignorance and the innocence.